I feel that what I fear to lose the most, is that which I have yet to gain...
My Old Testament professor, Dr. Talley, always talks about how the Old Testament is theology in life--as opposed to the New Testament, which is often just straight, preached theology. Perhaps I am beginning to understand that more in my own life.
Rubbish just gets tangled in my mind. I mean, it doesn't matter that I have a great family, an awesome God, and have been rather successful in the field I am pursuing. It doesn't matter. Somehow I still manage to feel grieved or empty over something. Some girl I'm in love with, friends, study habits, homesickness, worries about the future...it's like my soul can't operate without finding something to worry itself about! I suppose this is just an inevitable consequence of the Fall, but still--it's frusturating.
Once in a while, however, I get knocked in the head--a rather well-meaning knock on the head from the Holy Spirit. "Don't you remember My promise," calls out that familiar voice, "Have I not always provided all that you need?"
Then of course I feel horrible; "why do I doubt...why do I worry." A guilt trip ensues with unreasonable amounts of emotional implications, spurring on, of course, a few vague Facebook status updates that speak of my sorrow.
After I'm done feeling sorry for myself, however, I usually get the smarts to do something. This past week, I did something to stop the cylce. Remembering the words of Philippians 4, that God provides peace to those who lift up their concerns to God, I determined in my mind to give God as much time as He needed with me.
I went before God in prayer. I even did something new: I would read a Psalm out loud, reflect on it, and then pray a prayer related to what the Psalm stirred in me. Wow, it was powerful. Though it was only a little more than an hour, an hour before the presence of God is as fulfilling as hundreds elsewhere.
So, a week later I'm feeling better. Pesky thoughts of evasive girls have lessened, a contentment in the midst of my busy schedule has begun, and I haven't had to spend another lonely walk around campus just to get my mind off grief. Praise be to God who is faithful and true. Praise be to the God whose glory renews. May I grow in this knowledge...not let it be in vain.
Philippians 4:6-7
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension,will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
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4 comments:
Michael~
Once again you amaze me with your thoughts. I am often in that place where you speak of, wandering around not sure of what to think, feeling alone and scared. I often wonder where I would be if things happened at different times and different circumstances. Anyway, thank you for your incredible insight and your reminder that the Lord is with us always and that we can depend on that.
Much love to you, have a great week
Mom
don't ever think that your thoughts posted on here are selfish (unless they get to be that way of course) but rather, they are so encouraging... I needed this thought, so thank you for sharing it. See you Sunday, if not prior.
Michael you are truly an amazing person. You have such a way with words and expressing your feelings. We all feel these feelings at times but just don't know how to express them. I know God have incredible things in store for you.
Love ya Gm & Gp w
A friend and I had taken a long drive up the canyon into the mountains. We had found a secluded spot where we could park the old bus and climbed the slope to a place where we could sit and watch the clouds pass over us. It was a nice day, warm and fresh, but we were both so wrapped up in our personal problems that we had a hard time enjoying any of it. We talked. It seemed like we poured out our deepest grievances with each other for hours. Each one was always followed by a "why?" that neither of us could answer.
My friend and I were both having relationship problems and just came to share our thoughts. We both had forgotten how important it is to share with Him too. But that's an easy thing to forget when you're young. So after exhausting our own simple wisdoms we decided to climb back down the hill and drive back down into the valley. That's when it happened.
I was driving and my buddy must have drifted off into thoughts far away. We were both quiet. I was thinking about my own sadness, how lonely I felt and how much I wanted to feel loved and cared for by the person that I cared for so much. Then, what seemed like a very audible voice came to me, "Is not my love enough for you?"
I was so surprised and so shaken that I reached over and shook my friend saying, "Did you hear that?" I got a look back that clearly said, "Are you crazy?"
I knew what I had heard, though. And then, with the sudden realization that the question had been just for me, a wave of emotions washed over me filling me with awe at having been addressed so clearly, an overwhelming sense of humility, and guilt with the knowledge that if I had let His tremendous love be the love that I sought after there wouldn't be any reason to entertain the loneliness I had been feeling.
That night, at home alone in my apartment, He and I had a long talk about things.
You know, that experience was so remarkable for me. Those feelings of loneliness would still creep in from time to time but He reminded me that it was because it is part of life and it is something that He too had experienced. It gives us empathy, builds compassion and helps us with understanding when others are going through similar circumstances. All these things are the threads that bind us to each other and to God and to God's limitless love for all of us.
Michael, it pleases me so much to see you share so openly both your frustrations and your deep reliance on our saviour. Through this you give voice to His love and hearts are definitely touched. You are greatly loved indeed! Thank you so much for sharing.
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